


Holding On (So Much More Than I Can Carry)

by LittleMissAgrafina



Series: Here Be Tumblr Prompts [7]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Depression, Dissociation, F/M, Gen, He sorta is but also not, Irondad, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Peter feels lost and forgotten, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sadness, sad boy hours, spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25578748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissAgrafina/pseuds/LittleMissAgrafina
Summary: Peter wished he had stayed dead. His soul crying out for rest, for comfort and rescue from the black cloud of loss that followed him around.He called for help but no one heard him. No one saw him.He was alone.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Here Be Tumblr Prompts [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823302
Comments: 9
Kudos: 136





	Holding On (So Much More Than I Can Carry)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vintervittran](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vintervittran/gifts).



> So a little background for this. May dies somehow and Tony and Pepper adopt Peter. The canon events happen up until Endgame. Carol does the snap and Tony and everyone is alive.
> 
> This is 8. “Do you hate me?” and 2. “You’re family.” requested by Vintervittrannerd on Tumblr.
> 
> It does deal with depression, dissociation, and overall sadness and stuff so please be safe guys.

Peter knew that things would be different, had known it since his return.

  
  


How could it not be?

  
  


He was dead for five years. Half of the _universe_ had been decimated too, and the world had to pull itself together and move on.

  
  


It was hard coming back to so much change, so much that was just _wrong,_ and Peter hated feeling like that. He hated feeling like an outsider.

  
  


He was so grateful that he came back, he truly was, but sometimes he wished that he hadn't.

  
  


He hadn't had a thought like that in so long, _even longer now that five years have gone_ he supposed. The return of the haunting, swirling darkness scared him.

  
  


Peter wished he had stayed dead. His soul crying out for rest, for comfort and rescue from the black cloud of loss that followed him around.

  
  


He called for help but no one heard him. No one saw him.

  
  


He was alone.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Peter wished he could go back to the time before Thanos, before the snap, he wanted his old life back.

  
  


He wanted his family back. But he couldn't have them, it wasn't his place anymore. Mom and Da- no, Pepper and Tony had their own child now, a real child who shared their blood and didn't have the baggage that Peter had brought to them.

  
  


He wanted to be asked about his day and actually have his answer heard. He wanted to spend time in the lab with Tony and not have the man rush off because of Morgan. He wanted to sit and read with Pepper like they used to. He wanted them to help him with homework and come to his school events.

Peter just wanted them to notice him, to care like they used to.

  
  


And he understood, he really did. They had to take care of Morgan. She was their priority and she needed them. She wasn't a teenager like Peter, she was just a kid. Morgan could go to her parents when she had nightmares or hurt herself, she could go to them with anything and they would stop what they were doing and just _care._

  
  


Morgan could do that because she was theirs, not Peter. 

  
  


Morgan was a daughter. She was their blood.

  
  


But Peter?

  
  


Peter was a burden, an outsider, and it hurt like hell.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


"Did you ask Tony and Pepper to come?" Ned asked Peter curiously while they were setting up their booth for the science fair.

  
  


Peter knew he was lucky. He still had Ned and MJ, and quite a few of his classmates had returned with them as well.

  
  


It didn't take away from the sadness he felt.

  
  


"I told them about it." Peter eventually answered his friend, words and tone purposefully vague. He hoped that Ned wouldn't pry and was grateful that MJ wasn't there at that moment because he knew that she wouldn't accept his answer.

  
  


Seemingly satisfied with the answer, Ned went back to fixing some of the wires that had come loose while they had transported their project and Peter was left with his cloudy thoughts.

  
  


They finished the last preparations with their set up and by then parents, teachers, and scouts started drifting from booth to booth.

  
  


They came in second place.

  
  


Tony and Pepper never showed.

  
  


Happy was the one to pick him up and Peter couldn't wipe the hurt from his expression quickly enough when he saw the older man step out of the car instead of his parents.

  
  


"Why didn't they come?" Peter's voice was no higher than a whisper.

  
  


Happy could only look at the boy who had practically become his nephew in sadness. "Morgan wasn't feeling well." The man answered reluctantly, wincing when Peter's shoulders slumped. He didn't understand how his friends weren't seeing what they were doing to this boy.

  
  


"Okay." Was Peter's only response as Happy pulled the car away from the curb. The quiet acceptance in Peter's voice piercing straight into Happy's heart.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Over and over Peter was placed second to Morgan, with Tony not even coming down to the lab with him anymore and Pepper barely greeting him when he got home from school because she was busy getting Morgan bathed and her teeth brushed after dinner. Dinner that Peter never ate with them because he got home too late for the younger girl.

  
  


For the last two weeks he had eaten leftovers alone, the food feeling like lead in his stomach and ash on his tongue.

  
  


Peter stopped telling Tony or Pepper when he needed something for school or when he had any events. He didn't tell them when he went to and from group projects and presentations with Ned and MJ. His test and assignment results stayed crumpled at the bottom of his backpack next to the suit that he hadn't worn since he was brought back.

  
  


The report card with his slowly falling grades was shoved in with them.

  
  


Tony and Pepper never noticed. They didn't see the bags under his eyes from lack of sleep and nightmares. Didn't see his shaking hands or blank eyes.

  
  


They never saw as he faded more and more each day.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Peter walked through the front door and dropped his bag next to the coat hanger. Everyone around him was fuzzy and distorted like he was 5 seconds behind and only observing his actions, not in control.

  
  


Peter was so tired. For the last week of finals he had been running on 6 hours of sleep and the utter exhaustion was finally hitting him.

  
  


He heard a voice behind him but he ignored it and walked off to his room. He just wanted to sleep and let the cloud of blissful nothingness finally consume him.

  
  


So he did.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Peter didn't remember changing his clothes. He didn't remember getting into his bed or falling asleep he must have because the clock next to his bed had 6:15pm displayed across it.

  
  


Peter could feel his attachment to reality returning and he fought it. 

  
  


Suddenly feeling restless, he got up and left his room. He grabbed a banana from the kitchen and shuffled down to the lab where he sat staring at his old web fluid notebook.

  
  


He drifted again and never heard Tony come in.

  
  


He only came back a bit when the man shot him a vague greeting as he crossed through Peter's vision on the way to his own workbench.

  
  


The loneliness and hurt he'd been feeling over the last month suddenly bubbled up.

  
  


"Do you hate me?" Peter blurted out before he could stop himself.

  
  


Tony's head shot up to look at him, a horrified expression twisting the features that were so much the same but so _different_ to Peter.

  
  


"Why the hell would you even think that?" Tony exclaimed as he abandoned his bench and walked to sit on a stool in front of Peter.

  
  


Tony lifted a hand as if to rest it on Peter's shoulder but he froze when the teenager flinched. "Peter, why would I hate you?"

  
  


Curling in on himself slightly, Peter's eyes feel to where his hands were twisted together in his lap. "Because I'm not Morgan." He eventually murmured out, almost too low for Tony to hear. "Because I'm not your real child and she is more important."

  
  


Tony rubbed a hand over his face in disbelief. "She isn't more import-" He was cut of by Peter lifting his head up and looking at him with broken eyes.

  
  


"She is!" Peter cried out. "She is because you don't care anymore!" The total despair written over Peter's face made Tony feel as if his heart was being twisted in his chest.

  
  


"If I was important then why didn't you come! Why don't you spend time with me or talk to me?" Peter sobbed out, the tears he had been trying to suppress for so long finally overflowing.

  
  
  


"Why didn't you come to my school stuff or eat with me? You don't even care when I'm in the lab anymore!"

  
  


Peter's sobs were becoming hysterical now. "I don- don't unders- stand! Was I bad? Did I do- do something wr- wrong?" He stuttered through his tears and it broke Tony from his shock enough that he surged forward and pulled Peter tightly into his arms.

  
  


"No! You are not bad and you are not doing anything wrong, you hear me?" He held Peter closer to his chest when the boy's cries picked up again. "I screwed up. Big time. I didn't see how all this would affect you and I ignored the times that I did."

  
  


"I don't have an excuse. I am so, so sorry, bubba. I'm so sorry that I pushed you aside and that I didn't _see_ you."

  
  


Peter curled into his dad's chest and suddenly realised that this was the first hug they had shared in weeks which sent him into a new round of tears. "I thought I was losing you!"

  
  


Pressing his lips into Peter's curls and running his hands across his back, Tony squeezed his eyes shut. _How did I not see?_

  
  


"I'm sorry, Peter. I'm so sorry that I hurt you like this." A tear fell down Tony's own face.

  
  


"Please don't leave me again. Please." Peter whimpered. "Please be my dad again."

  
  
  


Tony felt himself crumbling, both physically and mentally. He heafted Peter up into his arms and carried him to the couch where he sat with Peter curled in his lap.

  
  


"I'll never leave you again, bubba, I promise. You are mine, I don't care if you aren't my blood. You're family, Peter. You're my son."

  
  


He would listen. He would care and he would love. It didn't matter how long it took but he would get his son's trust back.

  
  


"I love you, Peter. It's okay if you can't say it too, I just want you to know that I do. I've been a shit father to you but I will change. I promise."

  
  


There was silence for so long that Tony was starting to think that Peter had fallen asleep.

  
  


"I love you too."

  
  


The words renewed Tony's tears and he vowed to himself that he would do better. He would ask Peter about talking to Pepper. He would talk to him about everything he had missed over the last months. But that could wait a few more hours.

  
  


For now he just held his son, trying to show him the love that he so deserved.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This was a lot longer than I expected and sorta turned into a bit of a vent fic so yeah.
> 
> It is entirely unedited and any typos or mistakes are mine. Sorry


End file.
